Recap 12/17

Episode Recap (12/17) The anthropology edition.

We are immediately greeted with a montage of Sammi and Ronnie’s romance from it’s blissful four-hour apex to its untimely demise. A good tip for those of you with significant others, being closer to another member of the opposite sex will end any relationship. It’s kind of like one of those nature shows where proximity indicates which animal ends up with which clan and mate, only more primitive. Ronnie returns to the house, too angry to wear a shirt. JWoww shows an iota of human compassion and returns after Ronnie to talk to this now emo behemoth, her resolve as solid and unmoving as her implants.

Back at the club, Sammi discusses things with Vinnie, who shows his naivety by indicating that the unrest may be due to her giving out her number in the field of view of her simian lover. Sammi makes the salient point that Ronnie never proclaimed: “You’re my girl.” This makes sense, as very few things are established without declarative and possessive statements. Had Neil Armstrong simply said: “This is my moon” we wouldn’t have had nearly as many laser space battles. Anyway, the game of telephone at the ironically named Club Karma continues, and now of course the ironically named Sammi Sweetheart hears that JWoww went home with Ronnie. Since JWoww is female, and platonic relationships are found only in science fiction novels, Sammi begins her sassy-assed strut back to the house to “knock a bitch up.” I think she intends to impregnate JWoww.

Sammi accuses JWoww of absurdity and once this is dismissed, Sammi and Ronnie point out how disgusting they now find the other. This leads to one of the worst arguments ever. Not in the sense that the fight is that heated, but they mangle vowels and idioms in an unforgivable fashion, and by the end it's basically a war of grumpy syllables. That Bloodhound Gang song that suggests that folks do it like they do on the Discovery Channel really seems to have been taken to heart, as grunting and nudging win over both logic and illogical accusations, and Sammi and Ronnie retreat to each other’s arms.

Now that the romance portion is out of the way, we get to learn more about the mating habits of Mike The Situation. He and Pauly D pick up a couple of fours from the club, and begin convincing them delicately to get in to the Jacuzzi. When a young lady points out that she does not have anything to wear in the water, Mike responds with “I feel ya on that but [mumbling] Jacuzzi, yeah, Jacuzzi.” When a young woman plainly states: “I am not going in the Jacuzzi” Mike informs her that she indeed is going in. Pauly D is curiously silent and probably thinking about house music. This turns out to be an effective strategy, and the ladies join the guys in their underwear. Pauly D’s after the fact analysis: “They were acting kinda stupid, but we just made the best out of the situation.” The Situation himself adds: “I’m hooking up with my girl, Pauly’s hooking up with his girl, and we’re gonna have sex. That’s the situation.”

One clumsy mating ritual montage later we find out that Pauly D’s partner cannot consummate the evening due to her menses, and meanwhile Mike searches in vain for a condom. This proves to be problematic, as the menstrual member of the party insists on the exit of both members, and presumably the rest of the night was Pauly and Mike talking about the gym and tanning.

Sammi and Ronnie continue being annoying as Sammi points out she’s still mad, though her reasoning seems to stem from the fact that she’s angry today because something having to do with Ronnie made her angry yesterday. Ronnie repeats a whole bunch of positive three word sentences and Sammi makes things bad by thinking about the likelihood of things being bad. Fireworks light up the sky and Ronnie tells Sammi that she’s something special. In response, Sammi inflects the word “Ronnie” in a fashion suggesting he is a dog who just urinated on the carpet. The fireworks are also prophetic, as the two head back to the house and make their way to the bedroom. MTV classes things up by showing the proverbial night-vision undulating comforter and splicing in some firework footage, meaning that both members are going to feel as though their genitalia are combusting.

Ronnie’s exact admission is “We smushed.”

Yes. Smushed.

Smushed???

Isn’t that verb reserved for when someone accidentally sits on a cupcake? However, I guess that’s his romantic euphemism. He pounds out random women, but he only smushes those he has feelings for.

The next segment is dudes being dudes. Tanning, getting a haircut, going to the gym, you know, guy stuff.

Snooki duck-phones her mom and we find out that Mrs. Snooki will be visiting. Snooki says “I love that girl, she’s my best friend” regarding her mother. It’s nice to see that Snooki’s decided that her entire world revolves around her mother, because that’s both healthy and not going to ever get weird.

The gang dances at Karma and the girls seems to have an informal contest about who is going to show their thong to the camera the most blatantly. Snooki wins this in a walk. Meanwhile, JWoww is back to grinding on Pauly, despite making the decision to stick with her boyfriend earlier. House music is playing. (This is very important later, remember that the crotch-assaulting dance moves performed by JWoww were set to house music.)

Pauly D explains to us the elaborate process of “beating up the beat.” This starts by pounding the ground and ends with what looks like a Tae-Bo class. While academics were going to Indonesia and observing the Gamelan, and painstakingly analyzing its ritual elements, they could have just been at club Karma and would have discovered a more complex and primal ceremony initiated by shaman Pauly D. This gets everyone worked up and it’s time to find mates for the evening. The Situation, who is definitely the alpha in his and Pauly D’s arrangement, finds a couple of girls and uses the word Jacuzzi a lot. Again, the tactic works. However, there are two other girls in a convertible that catch the pair’s eye. What follows is classic French farce. The convertible girls come over, the other girls show up, the Situation and Pauly D trade the convertible girls for the others, Pauly D gets stuck with what The Situation calls “a grenade” and after some Jacuzzi technical difficulties, and Pauly D’s exasperated early exit, The Grenade cock blocks The Situation in grand fashion, basically demanding her friend come out from under the covers.

Snooki gets lost on her way back home from the club she always goes to, and spends the night on the beach with a guy whose name she doesn’t know. While this may seem romantic, the fact that there was no smushing makes the night “wasted” in Snooki’s mind.

The morning tells us there was some reconnaissance last night. Snooki’s dude turns out to be a friend of JWoww’s boyfriend, and reported that JWoww was grinding on Pauly D’s junk. JWoww is both upset and confused. “It was house music,” she proclaims. Snooki agrees that the near-insertion occurring on the dance floor was benign. JWoww calls her boy back and points out that they were dancing to house music. This gives us yet another oniony layer of JWoww’s psyche: house music performs the same miracle that allowed Jesus to be conceived without sin, and anything done in its bass-thumping name is simply answering to a higher force. After the phone argument escalates, Snooki takes the duck from JWoww and insists “It wasn’t like R&B or anything like that, it was all house music, nothing you should worry about.” This will heretofore be known as The House Music Defense, and may come up later. Anyway, the conversation ends poorly and it looks like we may get to see single JWoww after all.

Snooki’s mom shows up and they do boring things together.

Next comes the scene. We all know what “the scene” is. While it was shown on multiple teasers, it was blacked out on the show tonight. I’m not going to go into it too much or go into a verbose explication of what made it wrong or shocking, I’ll just say the following:

There are a lot of ‘Worst ever’ anti-superlatives thrown around in this blog. That said, there are few people in this world that can compete with the horrible human being that punched our Snooki. The teasers made it seem like Snooki was being obnoxious and bellicose, but she was actually defending dutifully purchased shots against opportunists, and this is an undeniably noble cause. Dude who did that will be considered an oozing stain on humanity for his miserable lifetime in New Jersey and abroad, and rightfully so. Enough will be said about this incident, and obviously as much as we all feed off television drama, this is not something that could ever be considered positive. I think MTV handled this well.

Now to the Awards.

Most Invisible: Vinnie- he must have had 2 minutes of screen time total, it was unclear whether he or Angelina left last week.

Best Comeback: Mike The Situation- after a lackluster showing last week, he showed his unreal ability at being the most prototypical Freudian “guy” possible.

Most Romantic: Ronnie- he smushed a lot of hearts this week.

Most Philosophical- JWoww, for the House Music Defense.

Pauly D Award: Pauly D.