Episode 2!

So now begins my promise to recap each Jersey Shore episode. Game on! (Episode 2)

The magic begins with a montage of the events from the premiere, and the new episode begins right when the last one ended. The morning after the most recent club trip sheds more light on various existential tools used by the Seaside 8. JWoww and Angelina both try to question the validity of hook-ups that were 100% documented in JWoww’s case, and implied in Angelina’s. JWoww’s argument is kind of interesting because I think she wants to believe it- in her mind she is actually a respectable girl, and going to the club and hooking up with dudes shouldn’t even be thought of outside the action itself. Volumes of psychological texts could be written on JWoww’s desire to be moral and promiscuous simultaneously. Angelina, on the other hand, is a horrible excuse for a human being, so my guess is that she denies it because doing so upsets other people.

The most interesting morning is Mike The Situation’s. His bravado seems to increase exponentially in his testimonial asides, but he is so obviously hurt by Sammi Sweetheart that the whole thing becomes Greek tragedy. He wants to point out a million times how she wanted him first, and that he could have any girl he wants. I suspect that were Mike The Situation driven to suicide, he would be sure to point out his note that the act was in no way due to heartbreak, as women will likely still line up to look at and worship his corpse-abs. Speaking of which, his funeral would not only be open coffin, but would have to be shirtless, or his hands should at least be positioned in the act of lifting up his shirt. Let’s take this moment to read excerpts from some other folks’ theoretical suicide notes:

Ronnie: I’m off to pound out some angels.

Angelina: This is completely your fault, mom and dad. This is also the fault of…

Snooki: I should have never agreed to settle down with a flabby, pale Irish cop in upstate New York, everyone needs to follow their dreams.

Pauly D: Well, my hair didn’t come out perfect yesterday, so this seems like the only thing to do.

Anyway, Mike and Sammi work together at the store and Mike behaves like a wounded adolescent, all while continually trying to win Sammi back in the most annoying way possible. I can only assume that what was left on the cutting room floor was a lot of the following

Mike: [lifts up his shirt in Sammi’s direction] Oh Yeahhhhhh!

Sammi: Great, Mike.

[thirty second pause with abs exposed]

Mike: So, we together now?

The merciful editor takes us away from this awkwardness, and immediately focuses on Snooki’s majestic, 360 degree muffin-top. Snooki, wearing a trucker hat with “Pornstar in Training” on it, begins to suck on a pickle in front of Pauly D and Vinnie. As he does in most situations, Pauly D looks like he’s sneakily watching his friend’s mom undress, the shifty eyes and shit-eating grin in full effect.

We then get to see Ronnie and Sammi in relationship mode. It has been about two or three days, so they probably represent one of the longest pairings in the zip code. JWoww is also revealed as Ronnie’s confidante, but their conversation is pretty boring.

JWoww is an interesting choice for a romance guru, as her boyfriend is about to visit, and she doesn’t know how to break her Pauly D dalliances to this guy who she’s been with for the staggering duration of three months. The boyfriend, Tommy, who could be recreated in a lab by using various pieces of the cast members, enters the house and immediately slouches on the couch as Pauly D goes back to smirking.

Angelina’s friends show up and want to party. Already things look bad for the night, because anytime people want to have any kind of fun Angelina’s brain flips the kill-switch. Angelina’s boyfriend is supposed to come out, too, making the likelihood of dramatics about 700%. Cut to obvious club montage. Angelina immediately gets weird with her boyfriend, and her friends are looking bummed.

Snooki, looking oranger than ever, finds some dude she knows and plainly states that her plan is to “get her fix.” For those of you who did not go to Ivy League schools, she means “have meaningless sexual intercourse.”

Cut back to Angelina’s boyfriend unmistakably dumping her. The voice over is Angelina saying: “I think I just broke up with my boyfriend.” No, Angelina, your boyfriend broke up with you. It’s happened to all of us. Deal with it. Anyway, this leads to the friends who wanted to party revealing that Angelina’s (ex-) boyfriend is married as they try to hide their disappointment. Snooki, of all people, has shockingly lucid points on the subject. Angelina makes it back to the house, and the duck phone begins quacking. This begins a remarkably tedious series of Angelina’s ex attempting to contact her and Angelina getting as dramatic as possible. Everyone is annoyed.

Tommy’s pillow talk with JWoww is pretty romantic, as he clutches her in his meat-vice grip and says that if she ever does anything with another guy, it’s over. JWoww shows a pretty decent amount of backbone and tries to get to the bottom of this statement, but doesn’t reveal anything yet.

The next morning sees Angelina being up and seemingly waiting for the crowd of adoring fans to fawn over her. When this doesn’t happen, she decides that the only way to get any sort of reaction is to not go into work, and sit making a forced “sad face.” Vinnie, the boy scout of the house, does go in to work.

Angelina is so desperate for some sort of reaction that she decides to start coughing, and makes the vocal decision not to work in hopes that her parishioners will fan her with fig leaves. In a stunning turn, she abdicates her frowny throne and goes in to tell the management she’s sick or something at the store. When she greets the manager, he gives her the standard company line, and is more than reasonable. Angelina, who had plenty of opportunities to either call the store or ask one of her housemates to sub, explains as follows: “When you’re sick, you know…you know.” And then asks her manager to “be realistic” when he makes the audacious point that she should have the phone number for her place of employment. The best part is, the manager is trying to let her off the hook, and she just keeps on exacerbating the issue, eventually pulling rank with “Are you getting it? ...You’re not getting it.” I can only assume that Angelina’s parents reward her with fine baked goods and scented oils when she makes vague excuse-pejoratives because she seems shocked when this does not make everyone bow down at her feet. She then explains that it was “Common courtesy for me to even walk over there.” This points to a clear issue: common courtesy is basically what is decent to do in a given situation, and Angelina is acting as though expressing this is akin to donating a kidney.

The boss/landlord shows up, pissed. Angelina acts like the most ungrateful brat alive, and basically stonewalls him. He offers her every opportunity to make amends, but she won’t give an inch. He leaves and says: “What an asshole. This is fucking ridiculous.” Let’s think for a second. This guy, who lives and works on the Jersey shore and owns a t-shirt store that sells items embossed with the words “Milf Hunter” is exasperated with someone for being rude. Congratulations, Angelina, you deserve the Nobel Prize for Social Retardation. After sighing a few times, she packs up and acts like this was an ordeal she survived. The rest of the group is more than a little apathetic. Angelina points out Mike’s gray hair on her way out, and waits for the roommate tears to begin, they don’t, and she leaves.

The vigil for Angelina lasts four seconds. JWoww decides to inform Tommy that she slipped up, and Tommy hangs up on her. The vigil for JWoww’s relationship lasts about 5 seconds. JWoww informs us that if she is single, things are going to go crazy, because she has been a self-described “nun” thus far. Nuns do tend to make out with unemployed Djs and admire penile piercings, so this is a pretty good analogy. Then, JWoww informs us that we will get to see her “dirty, filthy slut side.” Woww. Just woww.

Snooki brings out her moderately attractive friend, Ryder, and they decide to dance like lunatics in a nearly empty bar. Mike decides to immediately hit on said friend on their return. More Ronnie and Sammi time. They minigolf and hold hands. It seems like everyone is at a middle school level of emotional development.

No episode would be complete without hot tub time. Snooki immediately begins making out with her friend, and dishing some transcendent asides.

Snooki’s thoughts on the make out: “I was feeling like making out with someone, so I made out with Ryder, because all the guys like that.”

Snooki’s thoughts on Mike the Situation: “Mike can be a nice guy, like he shows off his good side and shows off his jerk-off side, and that’s what I like- a good guy and a jerk-off.”

Snooki then makes out with Mike the Situation. Woww. Snooki also aggressively instructs Mike to have anal sex with her, and says in an aside that she would not be opposed to doing something similar with Mike were the opportunity to arrive.

Snooki’s thoughts on sex with Mike the Situation: “If one thing leads to another, I’m not going to tell him to get off.”

Back to Sammi and Ronnie time. They both are struck by the gravity of a 72-hour romance.

Mike The Situation asks Pauly D to get the barbecue started. I have a feeling that asking Pauly D to do anything outside of “spin house music” or “prematurely ejaculate” is a stretch, but this proves to be nearly fatal. Pauly D puts charcoal in a gas grill and hilarity (also known as fire) ensues. There are a couple of issues. First of all, what kind of Wile E. Coyote wannabe puts charcoal next to a gas grill unless he or she wants to blow up idiots? Second of all, how did Mike the Situation not notice the charcoal when lighting the grill? Anyway, Pauly D uses the fire extinguisher in a totally erotic fashion to ironically cool things down.

Now to the big finale- we’ve been being bored stiff by the stunted musings of two people having reached sexual maturity and being surprised that they can actually spend enjoyable time that isn’t pounding one another out. But now, Ronnie and Sammi go to a club, and predictably decide within two minutes that the other is cheating, even though Ronnie was about four feet away from the girl he was dancing with. Neither attempts to resolve anything, they instead jump to conclusions, and Ronnie sulks his way home. Since he exchanged one word with JWoww, Sammi Sweatheart concludes the pair are lovers and the argument rages as the credits roll.

Awards:
Most Decent Human Being: JWoww
Worst Human Being: Angelina, in a landslide
Star Rising: Snooki
Star Falling: Mike The Situation
Pauly D Award: Pauly D

Bombshell Factoid: Mike The Situation is 26. At this rate, he will look 75 in two years.

Phew. Anyway, the next time sets us up for what should be a roller coaster episode, including Snooki getting punched. Stay tuned!