12/31 Recap, The Aftermath

In what has to be the most wonderful public service message in history, Snooki chats with a horrifically dressed MTV host and agrees that violence against women is wrong. “Fists are for pumping, not for hitting.” Things already look good.

The Snooki punch opens the episode. We watch Mr. Awesome get arrested again and see the male cast members walking around like caged animals, particularly Vinny. In all fairness, Ronnie probably looks more like a caged animal, but Vinny’s demeanor is noticeably different than usual. This is good to see, mainly because the last episode would have caused one to believe that Vinny had fallen down a well or something, but here he is, kicking shutters.

In the bathroom, Sammi and JWoww tend to Snooki, and we get a close up of Snooki’s freakish nails. I know she’s hurt and all, but I have never seen such an incredible ratio of distal edge to pink nail. They’re like 95% white with a little pink band. Anyway, Snooki has a cut in her mouth, but fortunately no other injury. Vinny aptly states: “That kid is never going to be able to walk this Earth again because he’s known as punching a girl in the face.” I’m pretty sure Vinny means to say that Mr. Awesome will be known FOR punching a girl in the face, but I like this idea. ‘Here comes Punching-a-Girl-in-the-Face,’ one might say. Since this guy is a high school gym teacher, his students should call him “Mr. Punching-a-Girl-in-the-Face” from this day forward.

Mike the Situation does the only sensitive thing he can in this scenario- he aggressively applies his slimeball game to a girl who’s actively trying to enter her home. Ronnie’s thoughts: “Schnickahs [Snooki] is crying and the Situation is creeping.” Ronnie not only demonstrates his mastery of parallel structure but also picks the perfect gerund verb for The Situation’s current action. Like a mold colony in a humid environment, he is creeping.

After a great showing on the previous episode, The Situation’s stock begins to plummet. Apparently, he actually did buy some shots for Mr. Awesome and his cronies, and, when one analyzes the tape, The Situation is more like The Idleness during the moments ramping up to and following the Snooki punch, despite being the closest member to the action.

Ronnie goes into Snooki’s room to have a chat with her. Snooki is still shaken, but eats this attention up, and demands that Ronnie tell her in more detail about how everyone loves her. In comes The Situation, who feigns some kind of empathy, but would obviously rather be chatting up some floozy. Ronnie vents about this to Sammi Sweetheart, and she manages to keep the Incredible Hulk in check.

Ronnie’s family shows up and immediately establishes themselves as being tremendously impatient. Ronnie wants Sammi to come out with them, but she’s getting ready. Ronnie’s mom, in particular laments the wait, pointing out that she: “…should be getting my tan on right now.” There is a brief montage of their grumpiness and them meeting the other cast members. All the cast members talk about how great Team Ronnie is, but this goodness must have occurred off-camera, because we viewers only get to see them make deadened comments about how much they hate waiting for things. The one exception is Ronnie’s mother reacting to the news of the Snooki punch: “Oh, hell no, and you guys didn’t like, bash him?” Nothing is so heart-rending as a mother’s disappointment for her son not becoming violent in a situation meriting such action.

We see Team Ronnie on the pier, playing games, winning various stuffed prizes. My girlfriend also noticed that for a split second, we find out that Sammi’s shorts are a bit…invasive. “Cam-toe!” she declares.

JWoww seems to have taken Snooki under her wing, and by “wing” I mean “enormous fake breast.” Anyway, JWoww appears to be pretty tall anyway, but around Snooki, she looks like a svelte giant. I don’t know if this is why JWoww likes to spend lots of quality Snooki time on camera, but it can’t hurt. Also, JWoww only seems to buy clothing that looks like it has been attacked by a tiger.

Pauly D calls club Karma to ask if he can DJ there. “I’m doing them a favor, I bring a sick mix,” says Pauly D. He then fixes his most lascivious smirk and talks about how girls love a DJ. I seriously worry about contracting diseases from Pauly D’s facial expressions.

The Situation cooks a steak and lobster dinner and discusses himself in third-person a lot. He also hoists himself up on the cross to discuss how much work he’s doing. They all sit down and say grace, and Vinny is thankful for Snooki being okay, though he calls her “Snickers.” This episode alone has yielded “Nicole” “Snookers” “Snooks” “Snickers” “Sneakers” and “Snookens” from what I can recall. What I cannot recall is anyone calling her “Snooki.” What kind of nickname brings this out in people? I can think of no parallel circumstances.

The Situation refuses to clean up his plate, seemingly in protest to no one erecting a statue in appreciation of his cooking prowess. While not there yet, The Situation is fast approaching Angelina status in his ability to irk his housemates. Sammi and he get into an argument over this singular dirty dish, and Mike gets all kinds of high and mighty about it and sentences Sammi Sweetheart to an unfathomably bleak existence.

His words:
“I’m not touching one dish, because I cooked a crazy meal, and she’s got the nerve to tell me to clean my plate. You know what? You are excluded from dinner then. From now on, you’re excluded from surf and turf night, you excluded from ravioli night, you excluded from chicken cutlet night.”

I thought you had to murder someone to get excluded from chicken cutlet night, but the die hath been cast, and Sammi Sweetheart will probably spend the rest of her life reproaching herself for asking a d-bag to clean up a plate. Life changes this quickly people.

Ronnie’s description of The Situation: “…a stubborn little bitch.”

The following day the anti-Situation feelings increase as Ronnie and JWoww discuss the house’s new pariah.

The gang gets on a boat and heads out to F-cove, an area that features an economy driven entirely by people yelling “Wooooo.” Don’t ask me how it works. Anyway, Pauly D laments Ronnie’s completely ridiculous desire to stay with Sammi Sweetheart and not flaunt about. Pauly D does however point out that his hair is wind-proof, waterproof, motorcycle-proof, and possibly bulletproof, but he’s not willing to try that. I was hoping someone else would win the Pauly D Award this week, but really, even though I’m the judge and it’s totally arbitrary, Pauly D has perennially deserved his eponymous honor, and this week is no exception.

Back in Seaside, The Situation describes how for every ten numbers he gets, maybe only four pick up. We then see a torturous montage of The Situation calling women and proposing (in so many words) that they take a nice trip down his pants. Eventually, he gets a hold of one woman and she agrees to come over, and to bring two other women to the house.

The women come over, and they’re all pretty attractive (especially in comparison to last episode). Also, they don’t immediately jump in the Jacuzzi, don’t begin sloppily and arbitrarily tongue-kissing strangers, and generally seem normal. In their asides, Pauly D and The Situation both point out that these girls aren’t like their normal skank brigade. “They want to hook up, but it will take a couple times, they’re not like whores.” Pauly D pronounces. I’ll ask you one thing, how bad would you feel if you were one of the previous groups of girls? Not only were you treated like bargain-counter meat on national television, but now those very same dudes are shown treating different women with a modicum of respect. Even when The Situation begins his high-inflection whispering to attempt to make out with one of the girls at the end, his hands aren’t leaving grease-prints all over her jeans. Classy.

At the club, a girl begins yelling at the group. Before going into the action, I feel the need to describe what JWoww is wearing. Her top is basically a shiny leopard print bustier with pink fringe (implants sitting a good six inches apart), and her jeans are mind-blowingly complicated. I remember buying a pair of distressed Diesels in 1999 and being positive that I was way ahead of the curve. Well, I must be behind it now, because JWoww’s jeans do not look distressed so much as assaulted and possibly molested. They look like a whole bunch of knives got into a bleach and glitter fight. Anyway, JWoww is getting into it with this girl, and this girl says “What about your fat friend?” regarding Snooki. JWoww springs into action, splashing the assailant with her drink before throwing copious haymakers and definitely winning the fight.

In addition, JWoww provides some really decent revisionist history by saying the girl called “us” fat, regarding both her and Snooki. This is genuinely sweet of JWoww, and Snooki, while not approving over violence against herself, is more than enthusiastic about it happening to other people. JWoww and Snooki spend about forty minutes going over the details of the fight in a completely absurd fashion. Snooki provides her own amazingly incorrect insight, saying that she was trying to get into the fight, but wasn’t able to. Hmmm.

JWoww receives blue roses from her man, and the male cast members comment on this being the move of a nervous cuckold. "I would have sent her a picture of my dick and a packet of bubble gum with a card that says 'chew on this.'" Ronnie muses.

Pauly D sets up his DJ stuff and spins at Karma. There are about seven people there. Ronnie does his dance. We’ve seen it before, but Ronnie’s dance is amazing, he’s way-off rhythmically and seems to desperately be trying to tear his ACL. Sammi decides she wants to leave early (even though we know Pauly D is only on for an hour) and while Ronnie feels they should stay to support their housemate, he agrees and they leave, presumably to smush.

The last segment is the Vinny show. He meets an older lady and chats her up and they begin making out. Nothing big, right? Maybe a little Oedipal, but whatever. Not so fast, internal voice I created! Vinny is hooking up with their landlord’s girl. Woww. They make out on the hood of a car, just craziness. Anyway, we’re left to wonder what will happen. The teaser for next week suggests Vinny may be evicted, and shows Ronnie finally conceding to ‘roid rage. The hits just keep on coming.

Star Rising Award: Vinny, let’s hope we get to see more shenanigans.

Star Falling Award: The Situation, it looks like Pauly D is his only remaining ally, and that’s because Mike is basically his personal shopper for ladies.

Time Importance Award: Ronnie’s mom, she is well aware how long everything takes and is none too pleased about it.

Proportion Distortion Award: Seeing JWoww and Snooki standing next to one another, Snooki is reportedly 4’9” and this makes JWoww look seven feet tall.

Pauly D Award: Pauly D